www.rhinotimes.com | Thursday, November 24, 2016 | RHINO TIMES 9
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didn’t make it onto the ballot for North
Carolina but she got some write-in
votes. The same goes for independent
presidential contender Evan McMullin
Some Guilford County voters this
year used their write-in votes to express
their dissatisfaction with the available
choices, mostly in the presidential
race. That included write-in votes for
“Anybody else,” “No one,” “Neither,”
“No qualified candidate,” and “Nota,”
which may have been a voter trying
to type in “Nada.” One voter in the
presidential race wrote in “Need more
options,” while another put simply,
One person voted for “Anonymous”
for president, though that word may not
mean what he or she thinks it means.
Other voters were longing for their
choices to be an option this year even
though their candidates weren’t on
the ballot. Votes were cast for Rand
Paul, Mitt Romney, Ted Cruz, Ralph
Nader, Joe Biden, John Kasich, Sarah
Palin, Herman Cain, Carly Fiorina,
Condoleezza Rice, Mike Huckabee,
Jeb Bush, Paul Ryan and John McCain.
President Obama and Michelle Obama
both got some votes for president.
President Obama is not eligible for
another term, but Michelle is.
Guilford County Commissioners
Justin Conrad and Ray Trapp got
write-in support, perhaps from pleased
constituents happy with the job they
are doing as commissioners.
Apparently, “candidates” didn’t
have to be alive for Guilford County
voters to long for them to be president
again, as was proven by the votes cast
for Ronald Regan, Harry Truman and
Dwight Eisenhower. In votes cast for
soil and water commissioner, one went
to “the ghost of Ronald Regan” and
another to Abraham Lincoln.
Sports figures, dead or alive, did very
well in this year’s write-in voting. The
late great former Tar Heel basketball
coach Dean Smith got a vote for
president, while Duke’s “Coach K”
could only manage a vote for soil and
water commissioner. Clemson football
coach Dabo Swinney and basketball
greats Michael Jordan and LeBron
James got a little support for president.
Carolina Panthers’ quarterback Cam
Newton got a vote for president, which
is surprising given the team’s 4 and 6
record this year – though the voter’s
thinking may be that, based on some
of Newton’s performances this season,
the Panthers would be better off with
Newton in politics.
It’s clear to anyone looking over
the county’s write-in votes that some
voters would benefit a great deal if
election machines offered spell check.
There were votes for Bernie Sandars,
Burney Sanders, Jill Stien, and a writein
vote cast for “Right in,” (though
spell check wouldn’t have caught that
error). There was a vote for president
cast for Wadetruty – no doubt a show
of support for Trudy Wade – and for
Michael J. Foxxx and Ted Crews.
“The spelling is not always good,”
However, like in horseshoes and
hand grenades, close is often good
enough for your write-in vote to count.
Fox said that, in cases of bad spelling,
if a name is recognizable, election
officials will record the vote.
“We give them the benefit of the
doubt,” he said.
Many of the county’s voters are
apparently religious since there were
quite a few votes casts for both Jesus
Since election officials have to
tabulate the number of votes for each
candidate, no matter how he or she is
referred to, Guilford County election
officials engaged in a conversation as
to whether or not Jesus and God are
the same being. In some religious
denominations they are considered
identical whereas in others they are
not, and election officials need to know
whether to list those votes for the same
candidate or for two distinct ones.
That discussion is further
complicated by the fact that “The Lord”
also got a vote, as did “God’s will.” In
addition, “Lord your will be done” got
a vote for president, as did “Pope
Francis.” “Lord Jesus” and “John 3.16”
also got write-in votes for this country’s
Tech geniuses showed up in the
results as well. Tesla founder Elon
Musk, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and
Apple CEO Tim Cook all pulled in votes
for one office or another.
Former News & Record Editor John
Robinson and current Rhino Times
Editor John Hammer each got a vote
for soil and water commissioner.
Then there were those votes that are
hard to figure out.
“Water Peanut Achmed” got a
vote for president and “Skip obama
chorao de Tawakoni” got one for labor
commissioner. (There was, at one
point in the past, a Facebook page for
“Skipe Obama Chorão de Tawakoni
Mitchell” which seems to be a large
dog in Texas, but the clues on that are
very limited.) Also, votes were written
in for “Pimp C,” “back spa,” “Joe Cool,”
“Smokey Joe” and “Devine femin
love” for soil and water commissioner.
“You The Entrepreneurs,” “A lot,”
“Bubbles,” “John Kickenlooper,”
“Wildcat strike IW.” “Joey Upper” and
“Thinking Johnson” all got votes for
Some votes did make sense,
such as soil and water votes for
“Native Americans,” known for their
environmentally friendly methods, as
well as for Joe Dirt – who’s last name
makes him a natural for that office.
Captain Planet and Soil Diggins also
got write-in support for soil and water
commissioner. The vote for “Agenda
21” for the soil and water office made
sense, though we here at the Rhino
Times had to look that one up.
Some votes seemed counterintuitive,
for instance, “Gucci” for the soil
and water office – and it’s not clear
what to say about the votes cast for
Mao Tse-tung and for Stalin for labor
Musicians, past and present, also
did well, but not good enough for any
of them to win office this year. It would
be interesting to imagine President
Bob Dylan, as a handful of county
voters wanted, but even if he did
win he probably wouldn’t accept the
honor or even acknowledge it. Jerry
Garcia, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson and
Led Zeppelin got votes for president,
while Frank Zappa and Merle Haggard
pulled down votes for soil and water
commissioner. Singer and Taylor
Swift-hater Kanye West got one vote
for soil and water.
Oprah, Warren Buffet, Tom Hanks,
Bill Murray, Bill Nye and Comedian
Lewis Black got votes, as did Ken
Bone, made famous by one question
he asked at a presidential debate.
Queen Elizabeth got a vote for
president but she is not a US citizen
and could not have served.
And, of course, no write-in vote
would be complete without the cartoon
characters and other fictional entrees.
This year those votes included one
for Ronald McDonald as well as for
Mayor McCheese – one of the few in
this group with actual government
experience. Mickey Mouse, Harry
Potter, Goofy, Chuck E. Cheese and
Batman got votes for various offices as
Deeez Nuts always does surprisingly
well in the write-in categories and
this year the name showed up again
several times. The vote for “DJ Mr.
OMG” for president was a new one.
Even the website infowars.com got a
vote for president.
Some write-in voters need to be
more specific, such as those who cast
votes for Mary, Bob and John Bob.
There was also a vote cast for “Me”
and one for “My cat.”
In the write-in votes tabulated so far,
there has only been one profane entry.
One voter wrote in “$%*# this” but he
or she spelled out the four-letter word
in that two-word phrase.